The Truth Hurts

I have been hearing from God for the past two weeks and it has been very difficult medicine to take. It started with a book I needed to read in preparation for the marriage seminar I was going to at my Church. Then came the marriage seminar. I followed that by going to a men's leadership training class. Lastly, there were individual occurrences God pointed out things I needed to see. All this in a nice little package that hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt like Wild E. Coyote when one of his schemes to catch the Roadrunner backfired. Can you see me waving that little white flag out from under a pile of rubble?
I was told in many different ways how selfish I've been as a husband, leader, and just in living. The book alone was a wake-up call that I couldn't start reading once I stopped. It convicted me and just kept hitting me-left, right, left, right. I was not able to hardly breath because it just said over and over how bad I was as a husband. It turned into condemnation until my friend told me what I was doing. He saw it for what it was and pulled me back into reality. I still haven't finished reading it yet.
I went into the marriage seminar expecting the best. I did learn a lot of new things that already helped me with understanding and communicating with Kim. However, there came another new set of things I was doing wrong. I didn't feel too bad until we had our first post-seminar fight. It was not as bad as it could have been before the book and seminar. The thing was a concept of the past mixed in with a little misunderstanding. We got through it but I felt like I couldn't change anything in my life. I was knocked down a notch and couldn't get back up.
Kim's mom's friend had a heart attack and they decided to go down to Columbus to visit. I was not going so I got the opportunity to go to the men's leadership training class at church. Originally I had not planned on going. I saw my life as it was and how to fix it. The only problem I had was a lack of ambition to take the leap to just do the things I needed to do to make my life productive and Spirit led. I pondered on these facts and recalled my track record. Then I looked at my present position and a longing to change stirred within me. I wish I could say it was all peaches and cream from that point on but I can't. I saw what needed done in my life and I just caved in. It was just too much for me to comprehend a happy ending to all this. I was always a slacker and even today I slide into slacker mode. I don't like confrontation, being told what to do, the chance of being hurt, or arguing. I back away from most things I can't control or dislike.
Then came Sunday...I had to go to the 'Race for the Cure' in downtown Toledo. I was trying to get out of it but it didn't work. I didn't have to walk, just be there to support Kim's sister and her daughter. I got through the day easy enough but the family is strong willed and they make decisions at the last second. I was complaining and had an attitude that was noticable.
When I got home I thought about how I acted. I wasn't unbarable but it was just enough to peak it's head above the surface and make things uncomfortable. Is this how I influence my family? Is this the way Jesus wants me to live? Is this the way I want to live? Obviously the answer is no and I knew I had to change right then and there. I broke down and cried and begged God to change me. I knew I couldn't do it and any ambition I had was dying. I was close to delving into a deeper depression than I've ever had. I was going to email my friends for help. I knew the answer but it was like I couldn't do it. The answer is 'just do it'.
God was disciplining me so I could change. I never felt all of what these two weeks have told/done to me before. God was gentle, kind, and forgiving. Now He's a Father spanking me and telling me what I did wrong and what I need to do to fix it. Emailing friends won't fix this. I picked up my Bible and said "Lord, tell me what to read. Give me exactly the Word I need for right now in my life that will change me forever." I heard "Zephaniah". I read the last half of the last chapter and knew it was what I prayed for. He spoke to me saying He loved me, is with me, and is changing me. Click here if you want to read what He spoke. The title of that post is a link to a blog that helped me in the right direction too.
I am taking the attitude of 'Just do it'. I am going to sacrifice myself for His glory. Too many examples have been before me not to follow their example. People need the me that God created and not the one I want. If I die in the process I go home to Jesus. It's a win-win situation:-)
Clinging to Jesus and not to this world is my goal. Welcome back Aaron, it's good to see you.